It’s easy to get mad at God. That statement might not be true for everyone, but it surely is for me.
It began on March 14, 2017. That was the day that I stopped praising God. That was the day I started yelling at Him. That was the day I received a phone call that the man who was a second father to me, passed away in a car accident.
When something goes wrong, it’s easy to blame God’s absence. We accuse Him of not being present, insisting that if He had just shown up, life would be different – better. For months, I’ve operated in the mindset of Martha in John 11:22 when she said to Jesus, “If you had been here, my brother [Lazarus] would not have died.” If you had been here… It’s easy to forget that even in the darkest moments, when everything looks hopeless, when you’re struggling through mental health issues, when you feel abandoned, when you feel sick, that God is always there. He never left. It’s easy to assume that bad things happen because God didn’t prevent them. I know this sounds extremely optimistic and far-reaching, but trust me it’s true.
This is all new information for me. Well, it’s not entirely new – I’m just learning it all on my own, for the first time. How did I learn this? Glad you asked.
It’s funny how God works.
In an attempt to get over my anger, I started reading my Bible, trying to set aside time to spend one-on-one time with Jesus. My form of a “Daily Devotional” lasted for a month. I couldn’t fully believe what was written. Then I started this blog. I began writing, a passion I’ve had for as long as I can remember, and it felt good. But then… life happened. Whoever created the phrase: “When It Rains, It Pours,” was right – and they probably spent their summers in Georgia. So then I stopped writing this blog. But then, I stumbled across the movie “The Shack.” It was playing on HBO, and although we’ve had on DVD for months I never got around to watching it. But something told me that I should press play. And I’m glad I did.
In an attempt to keep this blog as short as possible, I’ll link the synopsis here. Long story short, it’s about a man dealing with his grief after losing a daughter. It was also an hour and a half of everything I’d been dealing with, with every answer I didn’t know I needed.
So now, I’m starting over. Trying to pray again, and seek Him. I’m not very good at it right now but I’m trying. I realized that I’ve displaced my anger and am attempting to… not be angry. I’m not very good at that either. But I’m also taking time every day to remind myself that life goes on, and it’s up to you to continue to live it. There’s only so much anger or grief a person can harbor before it becomes self-destructive.
The title of this blog is “(Purpose)fully Improvising” for a reason. That phrase represents my life, past, present, and future. I’m still learning and always will be. One step at a time.